You’re an ass, and everyone knows it. Well, right now maybe you’re not, and maybe they don’t, but really, it’s just a matter of time. You may consider yourself a good person, you may have convinced a few other people to agree with you, but human nature being what it is, deep down inside, there is a right son of a bitch brewing, waiting for the day he’ll percolate right through your high held sense of propriety and into ruining some poor fellow’s day. We all cross that threshold at some point. The good will turn nasty, or the cruel will do a kind turn. There’s no wall between good and evil, it’s more of a pre-9/11 Canadian-US border. Yet still people seem set on choosing a side and trying to stick with it. Today I write to convince you to consider otherwise.
Addressing the terminally obedient: Some rules (social and federal) may be bent to suit your purposes. For the scoundrels: You needn’t be an ass to get what you want. To bring up the scamps, to gentrify the ruffians, to mollify the thugs, but also to roughen the dainty, to scandalize the prudes, and to make raucous the lords and ladies of modern day America; here will develop a guide for those who believe that bad behavior and good manners are not opposing values.
This is not to say that I advocate all forms of poor behavior. Stealing, lying, and cheating are all the tools of a coward, and I find them all offensive. However, much more offending than committing any of those sins, is committing them poorly. Being a coward is one thing, but being a cruel or stupid coward is in a realm of boorishness so unacceptable that it cannot be allowed. Thus I am forced by the hand of heavily rationalized morality to act as your reluctant, inexperienced, legally non-liable guide.
Now, if I could impress any one idea on you, dear Reader, it would be the importance of independent thought. The heart and soul of this lifestyle is the rejection of arbitrary law, and the formation of well thought-out personal ideals to live by. With that said, I will now to share with you five of my well-thought-out personal ideals that I believe you would benefit from unquestioningly adopting as your own.
1. Only ignore the laws that you understand.
This doesn’t just go for government sanctioned law, it’s also very important to understand social and moral law. Always question the rules, but never throw them out indiscriminately. Many of them are very well reasoned and make for a much better time for everyone involved. For instance, “Do not murder.” This is up and down a lovely, peach of a rule. Do you realize just how much times we save every day by not worrying about getting murdered? The internet seems skimpy on those statistics, so I’m just going to ballpark it and say, “A LOT.”
On the other hand, there are rules like “Don’t bring outside food into the movie theatre.” Sometimes the rule is there to protect the rulemaker, sometimes it’s to protect others, and sometimes it’s to protect you. Rules are there for a reason. Once you’ve invalidated the reason, you’ve invalidated the rule. Invalidated it for yourself I mean. It’s not recommended that you use this as a legal defense.
2. Don’t be an idiot.
You can be selfish, or you can be stupid. Never be both. If you find yourself coming down with an unavoidable case of the stupids, do yourself a favor and make sure you’ve got the best intentions in mind for everyone around you. People suffer well-intentioned fools, but jerks rarely get a second shot at being stupid. Be good until you have a better handle on how to be bad.
3. Always understand the repercussions of what you do.
Every action carries consequences with it. Stay within the rules, and generally you can pass on the blame up or down your chain of command. However, by choosing to operate outside what other people find acceptable, the consequences will often lie entirely with you. Be prepared to accept responsibility if you get caught. Even if you’re not caught, mind how your actions will affect others. Ignorance of how you hurt others may save you from your conscience, but limiting your consideration only to yourself can cause countless complications to the lives around you. Every time you cause trouble for someone else without knowing it, you’re creating a secret enemy who may or may not be coming for you.
4. Never be cruel.
There is no greater sin than harvesting the pain of another person for your personal pleasure. If you ever find yourself in a position where your greatest wish is another person’s suffering, it is time to walk away. It is fine to want to stop someone from doing something. It’s even sometimes understandable to want someone dead. But every time you cause someone else to hurt, it should hurt you too. The importance of genuine empathy is absolute, not only for this lifestyle, but to enjoy life in general. Once you lose that, there is no limit to the damage you could do to the world and yourself.
5. Be polite.
It’s good to remember to appreciate the people around you. Honestly recognize their good qualities and compliment them. Hold doors open for them, ask them about their day, tell them about yours. And when they believe all your lies without question, appreciate what a kind and honest person they are, and recognize that they’re probably a much better person than you. Promise to grab a drink with them later and follow up on that promise. After all, what is life without love? Also, this is often the cheapest way to get on someone’s good side.
The Gentleman Scoundrel : Rarely obedient, never considerate. It is an ambitious lifestyle, but one that’s often rewarding, never boring, and just barely tolerated by authority figures. It’s also a very socially conscious way of living, being the amoral spiritual equivalent to a vegan. With these five guidelines always in mind, the path is set, but the journey only just beginning. Today we speak in generalities for the sake of setting the scene. In the weeks that follow, we will delve deep into the meaty specifics : Lying, Cheating, Making Enemies, Reputation, Fashion, Borrowing Money, and whatever else might come up along the way. Get comfortable, we’ve only just barely started.