There is nothing left.
As you close the hatch to the bomb shelter, you inhale deeply into a breeze that rolls past you. Remember that scent. Remember the sound. Burn a portrait forever in your mind of the dying world you now leave behind. The heavy locks shriek into place, sealing you away from death and the only life you’ve known. You have traded it all to live as a ghost, cradled by concrete and cold steel. Was it worth it? Would it have been better to die on the surface, still sane, still human until your last moments? What’s the food going to be like now? In respective answer to each:Dunno, dunno, and let’s find out!
For 30 days, I will strictly consume only water and the contents of a 30 day supply of Emergency Storage Food. That means, no condiments, no spices, no vitamin supplements, no alcohol (unless I can make it myself from the contents of my food supply), and no making out with anyone for fear of their nutrient-rich saliva supplementing my decaying system. If I, at any point break from this diet (which I’d put at 3:1 odds in favor of me breaking) I will propose a post-apocalyptic narrative to my editor of how I overcame appropriately tremendous difficulties to obtain that food or drink. Then, upon her approval, reenact that scenario in a video entry to entertain the public with my misery and misadventure.
Regarding my personal health and safety, I have conferred with a dietician, and she has reassured me that my odds of dying will not increase significantly (although she declined signing anything official in that capacity). Also, due to my near inexhaustible love for myself and my historically dismal record of self-control, my death occurring by self-enforced starvation is only slightly less likely than me achieving immortality.
Finding a supplier turned out to be laughably easy. As it turns out, survival-preparedness enthusiasts make up a large enough demographic that both Costco and Sam’s Club stock Emergency Food Supplies. After I sorted the freeze-dried wheat from the chaff, it became obvious that for my specific needs, there were only two real choices. Then, after my editor informed me that for ethical reasons the newspaper wouldn’t pay for me to eat nothing but freeze-dried Beef Chili Mac for a month, there was only one choice: The Auguson Farms 1 Month Emergency Food Storage Kit.
My refuge, my prison, a hated enemy that will slowly destroy me over the course of a month.
One of the most versatile and option-heavy kits out there, the AF1MEFSK won me over with two features:
1. Vegetarian Meat Substitute in Beef, Chicken, and Bacon Bits flavor varieties:
No more fighting over the good bits of the meat, because there are no good bits anymore! Instead it’s just a curious arrangement of proteins that were probably picked last in high school sports. Who wouldn’t want to try that?
2. Chocolate Morning Moo’s Milk Alternative:
Put off by the “Milk Alternative” part? Well, for your information, Yoo-Hoo’s are also a not-quite-milk chocolate drink, and Yoo-Hoo’s are amazing. Also, it’s a “Milk Alternative,” not a “Chocolate Alternative.” I can live with that.
Once the kit had been delivered, I found myself filled with an excitement far more suited for better ideas. I decided it would be best to strike while my enthusiasm still clouded my sense of self-preservation and start at midnight. The hour approached uneventfully, and it wasn’t until 11:35 p.m. that I was suddenly and sharply struck with the most profound sense of unease. I needed to eat something.
This was going to be my last opportunity to eat real food, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I wasted it. Unfortunately, all leftovers had been purged, and anything worthwhile required more than 25 minutes. With no plain solution in sight, I panicked. This ate up a lot of time and eventually led to a panic-induced state of stupidity. At 11:55 p.m. I gorged myself on my roommate’s bananas (not a euphemism).
The rest of the experience however, will unfold to you as it unfolds to me over the course of the next month. I will be updating with sporadic video updates in between my weekly articles. I’m already starting to have serious doubts about the viability of this project and wish that I could occasionally come up with ideas that would benefit my well-being.
Until next week…