This is the fifth entry of the “Dining at the End of the World” column series. It is recommended that you read the entries in order.
#6 – The Aftermath (Coming soon)
Day 22 :
I FOUND MY RECIPE BOOK! I’ve been absent-mindedly flicking at the edge of a piece of paper under my desk with my toes for a couple of days now. It turns out it had fallen under the computer. Don’t know how, don’t care why. I can’t begin to express my joy. It’s like my trials are ending a week early. It’s lucky that it showed up when it did. Half a week later, and instead of a hero’s welcome, I would have more likely set fire to it out of spite. There are some super ambitious recipes in here too! I can’t even write right now, I have to make something. Maybe a Chicken Noodle Casserole! I remember how as a child that dish used to gall me.
Day 23 – I came home today, nervous because I had forgotten to put the leftover casserole in the fridge and we have an ant problem. Luckily, when I got home eight hours later, I found it untouched by patrolling ants. I celebrated until I started to wonder why it was untouched even though I’ve seen this exact ant colony eat boogers out of discarded tissues. It was a worrying thought that the vermin might have higher standards than me now.
Day 24 – Today I think I’ll make myself some potato pancakes. Were you aware that “Potato Gems” are essentially “Mashed Potatoes?” I wasn’t. I’m not sure what I imagined Potato Gems were, perhaps precisely carved potato pieces. Anyway, it turns out I’ve been ignoring one of my most beloved starches. These last days are just going to fly by. Of course, had I my recipe book and mashed potatoes early on in the challenge, I would likely be tired of them by now. Temptation to break might technically be my main challenge, but it’s boredom that I truly have to watch out for. I could eat oatmeal for 100 years if garnished properly with lies and self-delusion.
Also, I’m worried that I’m not eating enough. There was enough in that kit to last me for 30 days, but I don’t think I’ve used much more than half of it. That puts my calorie count dangerously low. I never thought I’d have to count my calories to insure I’m eating enough, but it seems like this is becoming the case. At the very least, I’m free to eat whatever I’d like from the kit now.
Day 26 – I’m going to start a list of things I’m going to make when this is all over. I’m going to cook so much more now. I see now the possibilities and the power I have. A dog turd can be seasoned to perfection and cooked by four-star chef, but the maximum joy you can get out of eating a dog turd is still lower than eating a slightly stale gas station hamburger. I’ve been trying to combine the limited and low quality materials I have here at home, inventing new things that don’t taste as terrible. But once this is over, I can take real food, truly high quality ingredients and make something fantastic. I mean, I almost certainly won’t, but now the only thing stopping me is laziness, and not dietary restriction, and that comforts me greatly.
Day 27 – I found some splattered salsa in the microwave this morning from my roommate’s uncovered microwaving. My mouth started to water as my finger tried to wipe some off the door. I was tempted. Four days to go. Failing now would be tripping over the finish line. I’m going to force myself to eat a filling portion of my survival food. A full stomach is a full stomach after all.
Day 28 – 52 hours. Down to an hourly count. So goddamn excited. No time for complete sentences. Focus on cooking the last bit of this god awful food I have to eat.
Day 30 – I am so goddamn excited. My mouth has been watering for the entire drive. I can’t stop shaking. I’m giddy! In ten minutes I’ll be done. For 30 days I’ve been tortured, but now it’s finally going to pay off. I doubt I will ever feel this sort of excitement over eating again.
I actually feel a little bad eating. It still feels like cheating. But I’ll get over that real quick I’m sure. I just hope I don’t go too wild, free from restriction. I’m getting a rib-eye steak and macaroni and cheese. I want Indian food soon, and I want curry, and I want a burger, and I want chicken, and I want corned beef hash. I want to feed on the freshly dead. Animals I mean. Specifically non-humans. You never realize how much you love something till it’s not with you anymore.
One minute now. I could literally hold my breath until I can eat again. This is the most exciting moment I’ve experienced in a long time. It also might be my greatest accomplishment ever. This depresses me a tiny bit. I really have to work on the quality of my accomplishments.